Thursday, January 29, 2009

Bad Drivers

So I was driving the other day when right in front of me there was an accident. Several weeks ago my brother, Kevin, and his family were in a car accident - and it made me start thinking about all the bad drivers…..and worse yet - UTAH DRIVERS!

How do you rate yourself as a driver?

No, that's a stupid question. You rate yourself above average. It's a well-known fact that all humans consider themselves to be above-average drivers, including cavemen who have not yet discovered the wheel - (and no, that was not a plug for Geico). The sad truth is this - each of you SUCK! Yes, I said it - You are Sucky Driver! You suck! You suck worse then the suckiest suck that ever sucked!

I do not fall into this category. I AM a good driver. In fact I would go as far as to say that I am a Professional driver. Now, you are probably saying to yourself, “Jason, what makes you such a good driver?” and “What gives you the right to say we are sucky drivers?”. Well, I am glad I asked those questions, and please allow me to answer for you. First - What makes me such a good driver? Well I have EVO (Emergency Vehicle Operations) training - and you don’t (unless you are in Law Enforcement, in which case you are a good driver like me - this rule also applies to all NASCAR drivers). Second - What gives me the right to say you are a sucky driver? I could go on and on here, but the biggest reason - I am bigger then you!! So quit your whining and shut your pie hole!!!

Now follow me here for a minute. No amount of physical evidence will convince bad driver that they are a bad driver. You take a motorist who, while attempting to pull out of a parking space, mistakes ''forward'' for ''reverse,'' then, in an effort to correct this error, mistakes the accelerator for the brake and sends his car lunging across a sidewalk and into a restaurant attaining a speed of 37 miles per hour by the time it rams the salad bar. Even as the paramedics are busy trying to extricate this motorist from his vehicle, he will loudly insist that (1) the restaurant was not there before, and (2) there are PLENTY of people on the road who do not drive as well as he does.
And the scary thing is: He's right! There are LOTS of worse drivers out there! In fact, a whopping 93 percent of all drivers are below average. This is according to a survey that I made up for this blog. And if you believe this is statistically impossible then not only are you a sucky driver - but also stupid!!

But getting back to your driving ability: I can tell from the perceptive way you're reading this article that you still truly believe you are a good driver, or are “above average” I am sure you think this because you did pass Drivers Education. Passing Drivers Ed does not make you a good driver - I know, I’ve take it. I took Drivers Education at Brighton High School. We did our road training in an old 1987 Ford Taurus - creeping around greater Salt Lake Valley at whopping two miles per hour, signaling our turns 10 seconds in advance and always maintaining a Safe Following Distance (the length of 5 football fields). The class taught me many important driving lessons, the main one being that if you ever find yourself stuck behind a drivers-ed car, you MUST get past it, no matter how many innocent lives you endanger. (Right now you are all nodding your heads agreeing with me).

Anyways, the whole point of this blog was to share with you my brilliant idea. Every time you have to re-new your drivers license, you must complete a road driving test - administered by a professional driver - much like myself. If, based upon the results of said driving test, it is determined you are an “above average” driver, you will be issued a paint ball gun - complete with a canister of multi colored paint balls. Now, here is how this works. If you, an above average driver, are driving and note the annoying behavior of a certain motorists - yes, I mean the below average driver - who is drifting along in the left, or “passing” lane, mile after clueless mile, never passing anyone and never noticing the line of motorists behind them flashing their light, honking their horns and making explicit hand gesters etc. You would shoot your paint ball gun at this motorist and hit his vehicle. Ideally, you could fire several different colors of paint balls, each indicating the type of infraction being violated. This would also be a huge help to the police, who could use the paint balls as evidence.
OFFICER: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
MOTORIST: No, why?
OFFICER: I count 15 red paint balls on your rear bumper, which means you've been blocking the left lane.
MOTORIST: But I'm going the speed limit!
OFFICER (sighing): Sir, we only pretend that's the speed limit. In good weather and light traffic, the real speed limit is about 10 miles per hour faster, which is the speed 90 percent of the other drivers are going. If you don't want to go that fast, you need to get over, OK? Also, I count 7 yellow paint balls, indicating you swerved between lanes while dialing your cell phone, etc. Assuming we can work out the details, I think this is a terrific idea.


Nikki and Kevin said...

As the victim of above mentioned car accident I think this might be a brillant idea. Especially since the guy who hit us was on his cell phone - his car should have been plastered in paint. However, my sweet husband might not like the idea since he is always on his phone while driving. He suggests a "bump to pass" method.

Rebecca said...

This is a fabulous commentary on the sorry state of our driving capabilities! I totally agree! I will, however, be on the look out for you from now on. I'm okay with the paint job on my car now and would like to keep it that way. I'm afraid being a California driver myself, I might not escape your flying paintballs entirely! I'm big enough to admit it!