Thursday, September 4, 2008

Dancin' with a man.......or something like that!

This is a true story - the names have been changed to protect the innocent...or guilty...or whatever! I love my job!! Ask Amber....ask anyone - "can I ask anyone right now, how about my mom, can I call my mom and tell her how much I love her" - sorry, I got distracted with a classic line from one of my favorite movies. Anyways, back to the story - so I love my job - however there are a few parts of my job that bug me. One of those is the week I am on call it is my "duty" to fingerprint the citizens and criminals of WVC. We fingerprint people on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10:00 to 16:00 (or 10am to 4pm for those who struggle with military time). The criminals are the majority of the people we fingerprint - about 8 out of every 10 people. The civilians (employment, background checks etc) are typically friendly and have some over all decent hygiene. A lot of the criminals however do not follow suit. Many of them I am pretty sure would not know a bar of soap, or deodorant if it hit them in the head.....also, a lot do not speak English - and I do not speak much Spanish - needless to say, it can put me in a bad mood. So a couple of months ago, it was my turn to fingerprint people. It was a beautiful Thursday afternoon and there came a knock on our door at the Forensic Unit. I answered and there stood, what I would consider a pretty good looking woman, who informed me she had been ordered by the court to be fingerprinted. She was very nicely dressed, and very well groomed - hair was cut and combed, and she smelled pleasant - like she had showered and put on deodorant and perfume. I could tell she was a woman because the shirt she was wearing was very tight fitting, and also had a very low cut neck. Many would agree with me if they were there - that this woman was very well "endowed". I was very professional and maintained appropriate "eye to eye" contact. I verified she had the correct paperwork needed to proceed with fingerprinting. Anyways, I was typing in all her information into the computer, and came to the screen where it asked for "sex, race, hair color, eye color, height and weight". I typically will ask for each of these and then type in the information as they answer me with. Below is our conversation as I remember it:
ME - Sex
HER - Female
ME - Race
HER - White
ME - Hair color
HER - Brown with blonde highlights, I just got it you like it?
ME - I can only list one color so I will put brown, and yes, it looks nice.
ME - Ummm eye color
HER - Brown
ME - And your height
HER - 5 foot 6 inches
ME - And weight
HER - 145 pounds

I then proceeded to the next screen where I type in the arrest information. She asks me if it is possible to return to a previous screen on the computer. I told her I was able to do so, and that any information could be changed until I "locked" the record and printed out the fingerprint card. She asks me to return the previous screen and said:
"I should probably change the female to male, since I have not had the final surgery yet."
I was shocked, but hid it fairly well. I ended out listing her, not as a male, and not as a female, but as a "female impersonator". Every part of him/her was female, the long hair, painted fingernails, high healed shoes, chest etc....all except for .... yep you guessed it!! I got a bit sick to my stomach thinking that I had admired this woman....who it turns out was really a MAN!!!
Have you seen Ace Ventura? I did go home and shower that night and scrubbed my body with scrub brushes and even then still felt dirty! My co-workers laughed and laughed and thought it was quite funny.
So enjoy this little video, and think of me while you watch it!!!

One of my co-workers, Amanda, told her parents about this incident and they too laughed. Later her dad sent me an email with the video posted above. They still tease me about it to this day!!


Fostervision said...

I spent that whole video thinking "man, that looks like carrot top!" How funny!
Your story is hilarious, in a really freaky take a long shower type of way! What would we do without the entertainment that is called West Valley?

Nikki and Kevin said...

You know you're jaded when you can't tell a man from a woman or vice versa!

Mindy said...

That's too funny. It reminds me of when I was working at Vitamin World and had to talk to a transvestite about calcium; all while trying to keep a straight face... that was awkward.

Kristal said...

"Your gun is digging into my hip..." I think when he/she told me that I might have just dry heaved. Good times though. Deffintally one for the journal!!


Dawne said...

Jason, this story cracks me up! I agree with Kim; the video made think "Carrot Top", too! Thanks for the laugh!

Amie said...

I read your post 20 minutes ago and I am still laughing to the point of peeing my pants! =) You are classic!

Anonymous said...

yuck and yuck! you really get to experience it all don't ya?

AbeSaves said...

Too funny. It's pretty hilarious getting a mental image of that interaction! Love the Fletch bit...