VOTE COLE

OK, so I know I have told several people about this, and this is NOT an official announcement - however, I am still toying with the idea of running for the State Senate in 2012. I was approched by a good friend, who also happens to be the Chairman of the SLC Democratic Committee, and encouraged to consider running. I am checking with my employer right now to see if I would be allowed a "leave of absence" while serving my 4 year term. I will keep you posted!

Bad Drivers

So I was driving the other day when right in front of me there was an accident. Several weeks ago my brother, Kevin, and his family were in a car accident - and it made me start thinking about all the bad drivers…..and worse yet - UTAH DRIVERS!

How do you rate yourself as a driver?

No, that's a stupid question. You rate yourself above average. It's a well-known fact that all humans consider themselves to be above-average drivers, including cavemen who have not yet discovered the wheel - (and no, that was not a plug for Geico). The sad truth is this - each of you SUCK! Yes, I said it - You are Sucky Driver! You suck! You suck worse then the suckiest suck that ever sucked!

I do not fall into this category. I AM a good driver. In fact I would go as far as to say that I am a Professional driver. Now, you are probably saying to yourself, “Jason, what makes you such a good driver?” and “What gives you the right to say we are sucky drivers?”. Well, I am glad I asked those questions, and please allow me to answer for you. First - What makes me such a good driver? Well I have EVO (Emergency Vehicle Operations) training - and you don’t (unless you are in Law Enforcement, in which case you are a good driver like me - this rule also applies to all NASCAR drivers). Second - What gives me the right to say you are a sucky driver? I could go on and on here, but the biggest reason - I am bigger then you!! So quit your whining and shut your pie hole!!!

Now follow me here for a minute. No amount of physical evidence will convince bad driver that they are a bad driver. You take a motorist who, while attempting to pull out of a parking space, mistakes ''forward'' for ''reverse,'' then, in an effort to correct this error, mistakes the accelerator for the brake and sends his car lunging across a sidewalk and into a restaurant attaining a speed of 37 miles per hour by the time it rams the salad bar. Even as the paramedics are busy trying to extricate this motorist from his vehicle, he will loudly insist that (1) the restaurant was not there before, and (2) there are PLENTY of people on the road who do not drive as well as he does.
And the scary thing is: He's right! There are LOTS of worse drivers out there! In fact, a whopping 93 percent of all drivers are below average. This is according to a survey that I made up for this blog. And if you believe this is statistically impossible then not only are you a sucky driver - but also stupid!!

But getting back to your driving ability: I can tell from the perceptive way you're reading this article that you still truly believe you are a good driver, or are “above average” I am sure you think this because you did pass Drivers Education. Passing Drivers Ed does not make you a good driver - I know, I’ve take it. I took Drivers Education at Brighton High School. We did our road training in an old 1987 Ford Taurus - creeping around greater Salt Lake Valley at whopping two miles per hour, signaling our turns 10 seconds in advance and always maintaining a Safe Following Distance (the length of 5 football fields). The class taught me many important driving lessons, the main one being that if you ever find yourself stuck behind a drivers-ed car, you MUST get past it, no matter how many innocent lives you endanger. (Right now you are all nodding your heads agreeing with me).

Anyways, the whole point of this blog was to share with you my brilliant idea. Every time you have to re-new your drivers license, you must complete a road driving test - administered by a professional driver - much like myself. If, based upon the results of said driving test, it is determined you are an “above average” driver, you will be issued a paint ball gun - complete with a canister of multi colored paint balls. Now, here is how this works. If you, an above average driver, are driving and note the annoying behavior of a certain motorists - yes, I mean the below average driver - who is drifting along in the left, or “passing” lane, mile after clueless mile, never passing anyone and never noticing the line of motorists behind them flashing their light, honking their horns and making explicit hand gesters etc. You would shoot your paint ball gun at this motorist and hit his vehicle. Ideally, you could fire several different colors of paint balls, each indicating the type of infraction being violated. This would also be a huge help to the police, who could use the paint balls as evidence.
OFFICER: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
MOTORIST: No, why?
OFFICER: I count 15 red paint balls on your rear bumper, which means you've been blocking the left lane.
MOTORIST: But I'm going the speed limit!
OFFICER (sighing): Sir, we only pretend that's the speed limit. In good weather and light traffic, the real speed limit is about 10 miles per hour faster, which is the speed 90 percent of the other drivers are going. If you don't want to go that fast, you need to get over, OK? Also, I count 7 yellow paint balls, indicating you swerved between lanes while dialing your cell phone, etc. Assuming we can work out the details, I think this is a terrific idea.

Erin and Emily

Erin and Emily are best friends. They can, and do spend every free moment together. I would think that at some point they would get sick of each other, but that has yet to happen. The tragedy in their lives is that they attend different schools and therefore have different school breaks. When one is home the other is in school, they count down the minutes until the other will be home. Many times Erin will take my cell phone when we get in the car after school and she talks to Emily the entire 20 minute ride home.

Wilson's song

Wilson loves this song, when his friends come over he says "Can I sing you a song?' He then sings The best day ever! His friends don't find it as cute as his parents do!

Wilson's song

Bennett's true love

Bennett is fascinated with plugs of all shape and size. I don't think he could choose a more dangerous hobby, except maybe knife collecting. He has gotten zapped before, but it hasn't scared him enough to stop. He hooks up numerous extension cords and likes to try them multiple ways to see if it will still work. As you can imagine Christmas lights was the ultimate experience, he has his own sets and he spent hours out front re-routing the extension cords to the Christmas lights in our front yard. When he is playing with plugs he enters his own world and it's funny, annoying, and scary to watch.

We got him a light bright as hopefully a safer outlet for his electrical needs.

Cole Family Christmas WRAP up!

We had a wonderful Christmas this year - very small and simple. However, I still spent several hours on Christmas Eve wrapping presents - and I got to thinking…..WHY? I thought back to the very first Christmas, when the three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, ``presented unto Him gifts: gold, frankincense and myrrh.''
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: ``And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper.
``And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
``And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, `Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!'
``And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs.
``And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense.''
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is my brother, Christian, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, ''if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it.'' The other is my brother Ryan, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
''No one ever had to wonder which presents Daddy wrapped at Christmas,'' Ryan said. ``They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.''
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills -- like having babies -- that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
-- Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
-- The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
-- If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.