Dancin' with a man.......or something like that!

This is a true story - the names have been changed to protect the innocent...or guilty...or whatever! I love my job!! Ask Amber....ask anyone - "can I ask anyone right now, how about my mom, can I call my mom and tell her how much I love her" - sorry, I got distracted with a classic line from one of my favorite movies. Anyways, back to the story - so I love my job - however there are a few parts of my job that bug me. One of those is the week I am on call it is my "duty" to fingerprint the citizens and criminals of WVC. We fingerprint people on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10:00 to 16:00 (or 10am to 4pm for those who struggle with military time). The criminals are the majority of the people we fingerprint - about 8 out of every 10 people. The civilians (employment, background checks etc) are typically friendly and have some over all decent hygiene. A lot of the criminals however do not follow suit. Many of them I am pretty sure would not know a bar of soap, or deodorant if it hit them in the head.....also, a lot do not speak English - and I do not speak much Spanish - needless to say, it can put me in a bad mood. So a couple of months ago, it was my turn to fingerprint people. It was a beautiful Thursday afternoon and there came a knock on our door at the Forensic Unit. I answered and there stood, what I would consider a pretty good looking woman, who informed me she had been ordered by the court to be fingerprinted. She was very nicely dressed, and very well groomed - hair was cut and combed, and she smelled pleasant - like she had showered and put on deodorant and perfume. I could tell she was a woman because the shirt she was wearing was very tight fitting, and also had a very low cut neck. Many would agree with me if they were there - that this woman was very well "endowed". I was very professional and maintained appropriate "eye to eye" contact. I verified she had the correct paperwork needed to proceed with fingerprinting. Anyways, I was typing in all her information into the computer, and came to the screen where it asked for "sex, race, hair color, eye color, height and weight". I typically will ask for each of these and then type in the information as they answer me with. Below is our conversation as I remember it:
ME - Sex
HER - Female
ME - Race
HER - White
ME - Hair color
HER - Brown with blonde highlights, I just got it done....do you like it?
ME - I can only list one color so I will put brown, and yes, it looks nice.
ME - Ummm eye color
HER - Brown
ME - And your height
HER - 5 foot 6 inches
ME - And weight
HER - 145 pounds

I then proceeded to the next screen where I type in the arrest information. She asks me if it is possible to return to a previous screen on the computer. I told her I was able to do so, and that any information could be changed until I "locked" the record and printed out the fingerprint card. She asks me to return the previous screen and said:
"I should probably change the female to male, since I have not had the final surgery yet."
I was shocked, but hid it fairly well. I ended out listing her, not as a male, and not as a female, but as a "female impersonator". Every part of him/her was female, the long hair, painted fingernails, high healed shoes, chest etc....all except for .... yep you guessed it!! I got a bit sick to my stomach thinking that I had admired this woman....who it turns out was really a MAN!!!
Have you seen Ace Ventura? I did go home and shower that night and scrubbed my body with scrub brushes and even then still felt dirty! My co-workers laughed and laughed and thought it was quite funny.
So enjoy this little video, and think of me while you watch it!!!

One of my co-workers, Amanda, told her parents about this incident and they too laughed. Later her dad sent me an email with the video posted above. They still tease me about it to this day!!

Golfing

I like to Golf - I do not golf as much as Christian or talk about it as much, but I do enjoy “smackin whitey” around. I have not been out as much as I would have liked to this year - and I blame a lot of that on the fact that it is difficult to get a good tee time unless you plan way in advance. I am concerned about the future of one of my favorite pastimes, because there are more and more golfers and fewer and fewer tee times. There used to be a better golf course-to-golfer ratio, but then bowlers found out they could drink beer, drive electric carts into trees and get a tan by switching to golf and combined with the fact that young people think golf is a hip, retro thing to do, golf courses are way too crowded and most cities just don’t have enough space to build more of them.
So I would like to suggest in the future we combine golf courses with cemeteries. Cemeteries have everything you need for a golf course. They are often conveniently located right in the middle of town, they have lots of grass and trees. The only problem is all those dang headstones.
So what you do is this: take out the headstones... leave the bodies cuz’ nobody takes a divot that deep... and put all the headstones representing bodies buried in that fairway, around the tee box. For example, one headstone would say "Ray Finkle, 1918-1988. Par four, 440 yards. May he rest in peace. Replace your divots."
Traditionally a golf course has bushes alongside or markers imbedded in the fairway to tell you when you are 150 yards away from the green, but now you could have a lone headstone that says "You’re a 150 yards from the green and directly over Ed Harley, 1912-1978."
And of course the mourners could still come to visit their dearly departed because mourners are generally quiet, which is perfect for golf. If while they are mourning they see a good shot perhaps they’ll applaud and wave their flowers. It will help them reaffirm the notion that there is joy in life and to carry on without whomever they have lost.
Right now this may seem to be a crazy idea but they laughed at Edison. You watch--20 years from now, some of us will be buried on golf courses, while those we left behind will be making bogeys over bodies.

If I were President!

So I was laying in bed last night watching television, and due to having the “basic” cable package there were not many channels to surf. The Democratic National Convention was being broadcast on all of the local stations - so out of sheer boredom I watched for a bit. I chuckled to myself at how ridiculous this whole election year has been - but also a bit pissed because this garbage was being shown in place of quality TV programming - like Jerry Springer, one of my personal favorites. It got me to thinking what things I would change if I were President!
Do you ever wonder what you would do if you were President? Would you try and raise taxes? Lower Taxes? Truthfully, if you were to ask me right now, I would say I do not know.
So what do I know? If I was as smart as the people running the country, or soon to be, I’d be running the country. So I must not be that smart…….or, am I? Are you? You might be thinking - Jason, the average citizen isn’t qualified to lead the country. REALLY? Can the average citizen balance their checkbook? Most do. Would the average citizen pay $640.00 for a toilet seat? I think not.
Does the average citizen think we need leaders who would spend the average citizen’s money responsibly, someone like, oh I don’t know….let’s say, an average citizen? (I just like saying average citizen).
If you do, then support my plan! I call it Jason’s Democracy. Here is what we do, we cancel all elections. No more voting. Instead we pick our “leaders” just like jury duty. You open the phone book, start calling people, and take what you get! If you don’t have a good excuse you have to be a “leader” - president, senator, congressman, etc - for a month.
No more campaigns, no lobbyists, no undue influence. Jason’s Democracy would work because we are a lot smarter and our politicians are a lot dumber then we think. Sure, with Jason’s Democracy you might end up with some perverts, schnooks, deadbeats, drunks, nincompoops, numb nuts, lame brains, bozo’s, crack heads and whores, but that is what we’ve got in there now and we can’t get rid of them. With my plan if you get an idiot for a leader, they’re done in a month and then you can call someone else.
This is a great plan - sure, a pharmacist who became, oh let’s say a Senator, for a month might vote to invade Canada because they have cheaper prescription drugs, or a pro-gun guy might want his own stock pile of arms to scare kids out of his yard - but most of the people in Congress will be sane and say, NO, and here’s the beautiful part - all leaders would have to go back home in a month and face their neighbors who have to live with the laws and tax cuts that produce the lousy schools and roads and whatever else they voted in. And that my friends, is when Jason’s Democracy get’s interesting!
Thanks for letting me vent for a moment, and now it is back to work for this government employee. Ha ha

10 Years

OK, so I know this is a little bit late - but I still think worth mentioning. Amber and I celebrated 10 years of marriage on March 31, 2008. This has to be some sort of miracle, who would have ever thought someone would put up with me for that long!! I am sorry for all those who bet good money thinking she would have left me long long ago!!
For this momentous occasion we took a trip - yes, just Amber and I - no kids - to Mexico. A special thanks needs to be given to Robyn for all her help with this - she is the BEST sister ever. We spent a week in Puerto Vallarta and it was wonderful. It rained everyday - all day except on Friday when we flew out, but it was still very relaxing. It was fun just bumming around and hanging out with sweet, sweet Amber. While here I got my first ever massage! This little latino girl worked my body over till I could barely walk - very similar to my high school days, only this time I was sober!! It was very relaxing and I am hooked.

Amber is the greatest thing in my life, and I look forward to many, many more years with her! I love you Amber!

Alabama Training

I attended my first training with the Center for Domestic Preparedness in Anniston, Alabama June 23-27, 2008. I was instructed in the area of Weapons of Mass Destruction Crime Scene Management for Emergency Responders, Weapons of Mass Destruction and HazMat Evidence Collection, and then one day in "Cobra Alley" where I got to work in a "hot" environment where actual biological chemicals are used. The training was some of the best I have been to in a while. I did survive Cobra Alley, and look forward to my next training there!

Training

So I have been getting alot a crap from people because I have not updated the Cole Family Blog. I would like to thank Amber for her recent post - but for all those who have been requesting an update here you go!! Also, if you just logged onto our blog, you will notice the added music - I thought I would add a few of my favs for your listening pleasure! Also, I need to make a clarification from Amber's post - I was in training in Louisville, and did attend some good training - but I also took full advantage of what I like to call "networking". And while some nights the "networking" kept me out till the wee hours of the morning, I still made it to all my classes. It really was a GREAT time, and was very much needed for me. It was wonderful to visit with lots of my old friends, and of course meet many new ones - (Thanks to my new Michigan buddies who picked me up on the side of the road and drove me down to 4th Street).
I was released from the Bishopric yesterday - Amber and I are so excited about the free time I will now enjoy! It is crazy to think that both she and I have been in major leadership positions since we have been married - over 10 years now - so this is a well deserved and much needed break! I am really hoping for a calling in the nursery - that way I can hang out with little Bennett boy - not to mention I will get a snack each week (including fast Sunday - which is a beautiful thing since we have the dreaded 1 to 4 schedule).
Work is always very busy, and keeps me on my toes. I enjoy every minute of it, and love what I do. I have 3 trainings upcoming - I am doing the Crime Scene Academy in September - attending and teaching at the Tri-Division Conference in Phoenix Arizona the end of September - and then doing the Advanced Crime Scene Academy in October. Also in October I am hosting The Science of Fingerprint Identification course. In November - just after Thanksgiving I am heading back to Anniston, Alabama for additional training with Weapons of Mass Destruction - this will be another hands on training and I get to go to "Cobra Alley" again. "Cobra Alley" is the only area in the US where you work with live chemical agents. They suit you up, to include full respiratory gear, and go into rooms with monitoring equipment to detect the chemical. Last visit I was exposed to Serin Gas and VX Nerve Agent. It is pretty wild, and quite the adrenaline rush.

Hello friends and family, I am so sorry we haven't updated in so long, we will be better. Right now Jason is in Kentucky at a training, he's having a good time, I think this one is more play than work but he deserves every minute of it. I started my first week working, teacher training. I was very nervous but that was wasted effort as I have enjoyed myself completely. I barely know the staff but there is already such a feeling of unity and excitement. Everyone is very committed to make learning fun. Our worry is if our building will be ready, it is still under construction and it will take a miracle to get us in on time. But they profess that many miracles have already happened, so they have faith that it will be done. But we will not have much time to set up the rooms, which is minor, but for me being new I would have loved time to re-arrange the room a few times. The kids are doing well, excited for school to start, so they can see their friends and not be so bored. I love you all and will be better and keeping up.

Amber